From the heart....

2003-05-26T02:45:00.000-07:00

a painful existence
is worse than an empty world
a faulty purpose
is worth the tears
one day
things will be alright
one day
things will be bright

2003-05-23T16:44:00.000-07:00

i am slowly dying
or at least i wish i were
then there would be an end
maybe then id be happier
but for now i stay here
hoping for soemthing to set me free
for now i keep breathing
but those breathes are decreasing rapidly
i sit and wait
alone in myself
crying and screaming
because thier is nothing else
the only thing that keeps me holding on
is maybe something will happen
something will change by dawn
but its been so long
and i still can't bare
i guess i'm a weak person
or maybe this isn't fair...

2003-05-16T23:58:00.000-07:00

my eyes shed transparent blood
how else can it bleed
when the knife is cutting from the inside
slicing through my emotions
releasing fears and inadequacy
in the form of a tear

2003-04-19T22:24:00.000-07:00

I want to burn my name into your skin
Scratch it so deep in your flesh
The scar will forever be there
Burn each letter with the hottest of heat
Carve each curve with the sharpest of knife
Let the sweat pour out
Let the blood flow
You wouldn't be able to escape me
Anyone you came across would see my name
And know I was there
You wouldn't be able to run from your past
You wouldn't be able to forget

2003-03-30T23:24:00.000-08:00

Kick me in the chest
Stab me in the heart
take it then bleeding
and rip it apart
Take my hope
Grab some matches
light it up
Watch it brun to ashes
Watch the flames
as they brun a hole
Through my life
Through my soul
Destroying my thoughts
Melting all I had
Make me go numb
Maybe then it won't hurt so bad

2003-03-30T23:14:00.000-08:00

For every day of happiness
is a month of pain
No matter how hard I try
No matter how much I sacrifice
No matter how much hurt i endure
Everything always comes falling down
I work so hard to make everything Okay
I put up with shit
so people can be happier
I let them walk all over me
Hurt me
without even saying i word
I just take it
and I try to hard to be there for everyone
Becuase tahst all i know how to do
but soemtimes seeing everyone around me so happy
and then seeing how im always at the ither end
it makes me want to give up
makes me want to break down
I cant take the weight anymore
its coming down too hard
and all ive done is tried to help
tried to do right
but whats the use?
im never enough
i can enevr be enough
i will never be enough
my place isnt witht he people being happy
I will never reach that point
I am always going to be looked down upon
no matter how hard i try
nothign will ever go my way
becuse i am never enough
and never will be...

2003-03-26T16:35:00.000-08:00

Look me in the face
Look me in the eyes
How could you miss
These tears that I cry?
Is this what you want?
Is this your intent?
These tears shed
Is that what you meant?
Do you like to hurt?
Do you like to see me miserable?
Becuase the pain inside me
Is all too visible
If this is what you want
I hope you are happy
You have destroyed my heart
my soul
and the hope that used to run through out me.

2003-03-25T23:53:00.000-08:00

I wish you didnt have to feel this way
I wish there was something I could say
Something I could do to make things better
So I will write you this letter
I just want you to know that I care
and no matter what ill try to always be there
No matter what happends to you
I will always try to come through
If you need help, you can count on me
I will try to set the bad feelings free
When there is no difference between right and wrong
and when the sad lonely nights seem so long
It hurts me so to see you sad
and to see you get hurt makes me mad
So just remember when your feeling down
I will always be around

2003-03-25T23:46:00.000-08:00

Everyone around me
seems to be falling apart
peices falling to the floor
I race to gather them
place them together
I try my best to help them remain whole
I try my best to make them happy
I try to save them
But im just not good enough
I have let people down again
I just wish i could do more
I just wish I could help
But its hard when you are falling apart yourself

2003-03-15T12:05:00.000-08:00

A fimiliar face
was in the paper today
I didn't know him personaly
but he was a great guy they say
When I began to read the article
I started to cry
I never held a conversastion with him
but I know the pain of saying goodbye
Another young face
Takin from the crowd
The pain and the heartbreak
Is echoed loud
He was so young
Takin way too soon
all his dreams and aspirations that night
were crushed underneath the bright moon

2003-03-13T21:37:00.000-08:00

to be so close
but too stubborn to say how i really feel
must stay hidden
must keep up the sheild
pretend I dont care
show no emotion
If only you knew
my real devotion
sometimes in you
i think i see it too
I could be wrong
or it could be true

2003-03-09T14:44:00.000-08:00

Just a little of your attention
its all that I ask for
A little of your attention
and then a little bit more?

2003-03-05T00:29:00.000-08:00

Once so close
Then so far
Now so close again
Should I run?
Should I stay?
Should I try to fend?
Should I stop in my tracks
and turn back
To walk out the door
Should I risk regret
For heartbreak once more?
What should I do?
I am so confused
On the fence
Ready to fall
Ready to risk it all
Love is a game
Am I ready to play
Or shall I sit and stay
Where it is safe
Where there is no pain
Just emptyness
No loss no gain
No.
I am sick of being left behind
I think it is time
May it be stupid
Its what my heart says
May it be cupid
Or a foolish misconception
My love is too strong
To just give up now
I am too determined
I know what I want now
So once more I shall take that step
Into uncertainty
Risk it all
For you
and for me...

2003-02-26T22:21:00.000-08:00

Your star is melting
Substance dripping
The light is fading away
Feelings are gone
Emptyness is abroad
Your star is falling
Out of my sky
I wonder why...
You used to shine
In your prime
Now you barely glow
But I am not stupid
I've been this way before
The feelings still may grow
But for now
Your star is dying away

2003-02-20T17:51:00.000-08:00

Everytime i think ive built a wall
protecting myself from you
I let myself get too close
and you smash through
Stab me in the back
then run.

2003-02-05T15:19:00.000-08:00

Feel so weak
Feel so torn
Need someone new
Need to be reborn
Need a new chapter to begin
Need to be happy
Need something to beelive in
Hope is lost
But is not gone
Love has it's cost
And it never seems to last long
But i paid the price
I'm ready to move on
I need someone to live for

2003-02-03T23:00:00.000-08:00

Free from responsibility
Free from obligation
Free from worry
Free from stress
Free from disapointment
Free from you..
Free to be happy.

2003-02-03T22:44:00.000-08:00

"I thought I saw a man brought to life
he was warm he came around like he was dignified
he showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
you don't seem to know - or seem to care what your heart s for
I don't know him anymore
there's nothing where he used to lie
my conversation has run dry
that's what's goin' on
nothing's fine
I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
lying naked on the floor
illusion never changed
into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
you're a little late
I'm already torn

so I guess the fortune teller's right
I should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
but you `crawled beneath my veins and now I don't care, I have
no luck
I don't miss it all that much
there's just so many things
that I can't touch
I'm torn
there's nothing where he used to lie
my inspiration has run dry
that's what's goin' on
nothing's right I'm torn... "
Torn by Natalie Imbruglia
Actualy similar to how I feel...

2003-02-01T22:53:00.000-08:00

Standing in the background
I look at the people around me
As they speak
I don't hear a word
The world goes on
But all I hear is silence
Movement in slowmotion
Nothing seems important
Nothing means a thing
Feel so empty
Feel so alone

2003-02-01T13:04:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I love you
Sometimes I hate you
But no matter what I do
I just can not escape you

2003-01-30T23:27:00.000-08:00

My corny roller coaster poem...I suck at writing when in an actual good mood :D

From down so low
To up so high
Life is a never ending
Roller coaster ride
You were once the butterflies in my stomach
The force that pushed me above the sky
But now its over
Time to take the plunge and say goodbye
But its ok
Its never over
You may have been an exciting ride
but now I'm certain I could not get any lower
What goes up
Must come down
and what goes down
Must come up
But now its time to get off
Ive had enough
I will think of the great times we shared
and never regret a thing
Even though the day the roller coaster stopped
I felt a sting
But now I see
You are only one coaster out of many
In this theme park
But I must admit
You are the closest to my heart

2003-01-28T23:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think I am going insane
Too much to handle
And I am too weak
All the weight I have to carry
Is bringing me down
I'm on a ledge
Over the edge
Don't want to fall
Nothing to catch me
So alone
No one there
No one who can help me
I have fallen down
It will take all my strength
To get back up
My body wants to give up
My mind wants to shut down
But I could never let myself get to that point
Must live on

2003-01-28T22:56:00.000-08:00

I handed you the most fragile thing I have
I trusted in you to not let it slip from your grip
To not take for granted how valuable it was
I let my gaurd down to you
And for awhile I was content
You seemed to understand
But I was wrong
Without warning you dropped it
Dropped it all
Careless and uncaring of how you affected me
It all fell to the floor
Shattering upon impact
Sharp shards of hope and trust
Lying broken on the ground
How could you be so reckless?
Why did you let go?
It will take time
But I will be rebuilt
But peices of my trust will forever remain missing

2003-01-28T22:44:00.000-08:00

How stupid was I
To think that you cared
and the thought of this
at first made me scared
I trusted you
Even when I had the feeling I should not
I decided to go against that
and so I fought
I should have known
I would get hurt
But never did I knew anything could hurt this much
But now I am for sure
The strange thing is
Even though things turn out the way they did
I wouldn't have done anything different
I just wish It didnt end the way it did

2003-01-28T22:31:00.000-08:00

"The love I feel
is it true
can I trust it?
am I imagining this
or could this be true
this love i feel"
- B.T.I.

2003-01-28T20:56:00.000-08:00

Things were once so great
But now are so hopeless
I felt on top of the world
Everything was so perfect
Now I'm barely alive
I go on only because I know I must
In the past one day alive
Was never enough
Everyday I would wake up
Excited for what was to come
Now I wake up and see
Another twenty-four hous of no sun
Used to love myself
Used to love others
Now I feel so empty
I always need to be around another
Never want to be alone
My friends are what keep me going
I owe it all to them
Even if it's not always what I'm showing

2003-01-27T22:49:00.000-08:00

Theres a whole in my soul
an open wound to the world
Stabs to my heart
I can not control
But it's all in the past
Nothing I can now do
It couldnt have last
Can't look back now
Live to forget
Dont forget to live
Life goes on
Never forget
Dont let anything hold you back
It is never worth it
Never give up
the peices will eventualy fit
If things are down
They can only go up
As I tell myself this
I can not stress enough
Everything's not lost
Just have to look at what I have
At everything I have got
Never take it for granted
Things will get better
They just need time
I need to replace the negative
With posotive in my mind

2003-01-27T22:35:00.000-08:00

If only...
It had been different
If only...
Things could change
If only...
I could fix things
If only...
Everything was ok
If only..
You would have listend
If only...
You hand't have made that mistake
If only..
I could have stopped you
If only..
It wasn't too late

2003-01-27T22:06:00.000-08:00

If only I could block you out
Get rid of you forever
Look away when you are hurt
But I know I could never
If only it hadnt changed
Or if only I hadnt met you
Why did you have to start it all
Look at what you have put me through
The worst thing I did
Was actualy care about you
I gave you my trust
Even though I knew I shouldn't
But now it's ruined
You were reckless and hope is dead
Now I just want your image
Out of my head
I want your presence
Out of my system
This wouldn't have happend
If you had listened
But I am not here to judge
What's done is done
I just wish it was different
I wish the end didn't have to come

2003-01-23T00:53:00.000-08:00

Transparent

You pretend to not care
Yet I can see you do
You hide you're emotions
So I cannot see the real you
You think you're being slick
You think you're being sly
You try to act like you don't hurt
But I can see it in you're eyes
You're as transparent as glass
And as fragile as well
You put up so many walls
And confide within your shells
You say one thing
And act another
Trying to hide how you feel
You're emotions you cover
But I promise to you
To hurt is not my intent
You don't have to hide
Only good intentions are meant

2003-01-23T00:36:00.000-08:00

you spur something deep inside
a darkness that cannot escape
It starts in the heart
and runs throughout my soul
It restrains any light within
Any hope and any aspiration
I want to hurt myself
To kill the evil inside me
I want to rip out my heart
And be free of you
The worst is to see that
You feel no pain at all
As I suffer...